I had this friend...my best friend who betrayed me really really bad and we have been trying to work it out for the past 7 MONTHS!!  and it just keeps us constantly fighting and stiring things up even more...we were okay for awhile but then he started hanging out with a not so good person and I didn't want anything to do with that again so I just gave up, called it quits, and walked away for the last time.

Yeah, it hurts but it would of hurt even more if I stuck around.  What he and everybody else dosen't know is that I love him...nothing more than just a good friend but I cared and care about him a great deal.  He probably thinks I hate him and he probably hates me now but I don't.  I just really don't like him right now or the STUPID decisions he makes.  Today one of my teachers was talking about how in break-ups we always focus on the bad about the person...not the good even though we should focuse on the good so I got to thinking about the things that made me love him in the first place, the things that made me be his best friend and there were lots of great things about him that I really miss and they definately out weigh the negative but I just had to give up because it hurt too bad and I knew that I would just get hurt more in the end. 

Everytime I think about him...I think of the good days when we were not fighting and told eachother everything.  He helped me through a lot of bad things but then again he started a lot of bad things too.  I think of the times we went to the movies and the times we walked with eachother down the halls laughing about nothing.  But then ofcourse...I think of the time at the football game when I was balling my eyes out sitting behind the band and seeing him looking at me but not caring. 

I miss him.  I'm not going to lie...I really do but there isn't much I can do now.  Maybe this was fate.  I don't know.  But i'll always love him..I guess...even if he hates me.  I'm going to think about the good times from now on...the times that we were happy and perfect (as perfect as we can be).  I'm going to think about how he changed me...in the good, not the bad.

I think you know what I'm getting at
I find it so upsetting that
the memories that you select you keep the bad but the good you just forget

and even though I'm angry I can still say
I know my heart will break the day
when you peel out and drive away
I can't believe this happened

And all this time I never thought
that all we had would be all for not

No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
cause you took this too far

Make your decision and don't you dare think twice
go with your instincts along with some bad advice
this didn't turn out the way I thought it would at all
you blame me but some of this is still your fault

I tried to move you, but you just wouldn't budge
I tried to hold your hand but you'd rather hold your grudge
I think you know what I'm getting at
you said goodbye and I just don't want you regretting that

and wisdom always chooses
these black eyes and these bruises
over the heartache that they say
never completely goes away
(I just can't believe this happened
and one day we'll see this come around)

what happened to us
i heard that it's me we should blame
what happened to us
why didn't you stop me from turning out this way
and know that I don't hate you
and know that I don't want to fight you
and know that I'll always love you
but right now I just don't...

Shitty.

Shitty as fucking hell.

If you can't tell....i'm currently in a bad mood and I won't even explain why.

Psh...God damn.  Josh. 

AHHHHHHH

Things fall apart, it happens.  We loose people even when we really don't want to.

Today has been hard for some reason and I don't quite know why.  I keep having flash backs.  Today I just kept thinking about how absolutely disgusted I was with my mother....just who she is.  Moms are suppost to be motivators and inspiring but she dosent do anything.  I clean constantly but I never get a "thank you" or even an acknowledgement, I get a "you forgot to dust the tv."  She complains about money just about all of the time but she dosn't have a job nor has she even tried getting one and she comes up with excuses for just about everything.  I wish I had a mom who would be say "Thank you.  You did a nice job." or somthing like that.  I wish that when she read a poem that I wrote she wouldn't poke out everything that was wrong with it.  I wish I had a mom who didn't move me 3 hours away from my father, making him a complete stranger.  I wish I had a mother who maybe started a collge fund so that I wouldn't have to pay college debts back for half my life.  I wish she just tried helping to give me a good start into the world on my own.  I know that when I turn 18 i'm going to be all on my own with nothing to my name. 

My father called today and while he was talking to me I was thinking to myself "Who is this?  I don't even know this person" and that is just sad because half of me is him and I don't even know him and he by far dosn't know me.  Last year he started treatment for Hepititus C and he told me that he had it in the same way he had told me that my grandfather had died...he just pretty much said it and I started to cry but I didn't even know them so I held back my tears and I think that that was the moment that I flat out decided that I will not cry infront of people.  I think i've held a lot in over time.  Everytime I went to go stay with them, I felt like I was staying in the house of complete strangers and they thought that I was the weirdest thing that had ever lived.  It just felt so uncomfortable and so after time...after them degrading me and judging me, I decided not to talk to my father because I didn't want strangers juding me especilly ones that say they love me when even they know that they are lying.  Eventually I started talking to him again and visiting only ever few months but I still knew that he was mad at me and he certainly showed it everytime he  saw me.  With my father....I just wish I had one.

I think that in a way our parents shape who we are...even after we are born.  Wheather it be good or bad...I am what they have created....fatherless, cold, but also very loving to some, and caring.    But at the end of the day...I still don't like who I am and I don't like where i've come from and I wish that I got to have 2 parents there like all of my friends do.

I've noticed somthing....i'm honestly happier when i'm completely broke.  I mean, when I have no money I always seem to find somthing actually good to do...besides go shopping or go blow it on somthing random.  I mean, I need money...don't get me wrong but i'm happier with just having what I need.  Life is simpler that way.  Never the less, i'm getting my license next month and I despritely need a job.  But there is a problem, I life in small town Michigan....and there are no jobs unless you have connections.  Darn.